Need Help Navigating Your Toxic Family System This Holiday Season? Here’s How!
As we all know, family relationships are hardly ever without complications. You may have already had that reminder during the Thanksgiving holiday - I know I did! Everyone’s family operates differently. Some are triggered majorly by family and others are not. As you continue reading, determine where you fall and the pointers that best suit your situation.
Do you have a family that are experts at stirring up old memories of traumatic experiences?
If you’ve ever been in this position, at some point, you considered connecting with a therapist near you, and that may be the next best thing for you to do! Check out Zencare or Psychology today for therapists near you. Or, you can connect with one of our therapists located in Texas, Arkansas, or Illinois. We offer virtual therapy and can meet you wherever you are.
Trusting ourselves is often where we go astray, which can be traced back to that unspoken rule, “don't talk, don't ask, don’t tell”, designed to keep you in denial, making it hard to trust your reality.
For you, the next best thing may mean making a to-go plate and saying your goodbyes. Or, directly making the request not to reminisce today. Both of these options are forms of boundaries and self advocacy. If you still don't feel settled in sharing space with them, it may be best to leave sooner than later.
I say “don't feel settled in sharing space with them” intentionally, because I think the word “safe” has become misused. Please, think before you tell someone you don't feel safe with them and consider what that means for you and even them. Is there another word that can better encapsulate what you are feeling at that moment? Just food for thought
There are some family dynamics that require you to completely recuse yourself from gatherings all together for self-preservation. This is a hard place to be in and a difficult boundary to set, but if it's what you need to do to take care of you - do it.
Here's a big one..
You're at the dinner table and the topic of politics, vaccinations or immigration is brought up. Yikes! An uncle, aunt, father, or mother, has decided to speak on topics they know darn well lead to disagreements and differences of opinion. Instead of engaging in an argument, you can remove yourself peacefully from the conversation or the room, politely mention “this topic doesn't lead to peace”, and if these boundaries cannot be respected, let them know you love them but will leave to protect your peace. This way, you have established where you stand. How they respond will tell you a lot about where they are and how to move going forward.
And even for those on a healing journey, it's normal to be in a space for some time where you are in the one-up or one-down position (feeling better than or less than your relatives) which is also not healthy, but part of your self actualization and healing. If you’re there - keep working, you’ll get through it
Before recovery, you may have contributed to the toxicity too. Knowing that, there’s space to hold empathy for your relatives still stuck in this space and serves as a reminder of how far you’ve come. Send up a prayer for them to walk in truth and then bounce!
Each family member has different trigger points or boundaries, but the only person you can fully control is yourself. Regardless, think before you react, but also be mindful to not let anyone overstep the boundaries you have set. It never hurts to practice gratitude, so consider the goodness that can come with being able to fully connect with your family in an equally respectful way.
If you need more support prepping for the holidays or processing afterwards, reach out to one of our clinicians if you are in Texas, Arkansas, or Illinois. You can also connect with a therapist near you or visit a free support group (listed & linked below).
All families have their stuff. Practice gratitude for your family and try to keep that as your focal point. When things seem to be getting outside your window of tolerance, use the methods mentioned above. I know you will find a way to cope and have a successful holiday season. Be well.
Love, your dope trauma therapist.
Visit the online ACA, ALANON, SANON, SAA, SLAA, NA, OA, and OH specialized groups for more support.
Let us know in the comments below if any of our tips worked for you!
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