Why Does Finding Love Seem SO HARD?
Does it feel like the path to finding true love requires a right of passage?
If you are feeling like this, know that you are not alone.
There is a lot of noise when it comes to most things, but relationships take the cake every time! We are in a culture where self-development is on everyone’s mind, which is a beautiful thing! Showing up as a healthy person is important to your own quality of life, right?
But why have we made the journey of healing as it relates to relationships so much about other people?
For example, when you hear on social media, “you need to heal before you can attract your person”. It is not the statement but the energy around this line of thinking/teaching that bothers me.
As a therapist and a human being having a spiritual experience, I have seen firsthand how this perspective has sent people into a deep dive to “heal” when really they are trying to become worthy enough to attract the love they want.
It’s exhausting to live in that - I know because I have been there too, lol. What I find is that clients come to therapy looking to fix themselves to attract the partner they want. Hence why I say it seems like finding love requires a right of passage.
You don’t have to be perfect to attract the love you desire and deserve
I am here to strike a balance in some of the positive psychology perspectives we have been taught and offer some reframes that may be helpful for you.
There is something to be learned from our patterns in love and relationships (romantic, platonic, work, family, etc) those experiences are great data points to help you understand your journey.
As you discover your patterns, particularly the ones you don’t like, a reframe I want to offer you is, to see the pattern as a normal human response to your spiritual experiences thus far.
Your patterns are likely, not abnormal, trust me. We are all more alike than we realize. In therapy, it is rare that I hear something shocking. There is nothing new under the sun.
Sometimes the biggest hurdle to get over in our healing journey is the shame we and society put on us. There is nothing wrong with you and your experience is not uncommon. Better use of your energy may be to focus on the next steps to evolve into a healthier version of yourself rather than harping on the negative patterns you don’t like.
What Do the People I Attract Say About Me?
Maybe nothing other than the fact that you are attractive!?!
But seriously, this is such a personal question that is often processed in therapy and in friend circles. We have to be very careful of our assessment of this, especially when the people you are attracting aren’t what you want.
Again, there is so much room to find yourself in a shame cycle marred with feelings of something being wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. I want to encourage you to see the humanity of the people you attract, that they are first attracted to what they see and that what they see is good, and beautiful. Who can blame them, right?!
Now, the inner workings of how they are showing up in life have more to do with them than it has to do with you. We often take the negative traits of a person and use them to justify why we aren’t healed, that there is more to work on, and that we are innately attracting the “wrong person”. Have you ever had an itch that even when you stretched it, you didn’t get relief?
That is what this line of thinking can bring one to…constant digging for something wrong that needs to be fixed.
“Stop personalizing others shortcomings as a way to invalidate your goodness”
I hear this so much among clients and I know it is a running theme in this messaging around healing work and relationships. From my vantage point, it is a thin line to walk.
Relationships are places we go to heal. - Iyanla Vanzant
A reframe I would offer on this is to consider the goodness that is inside of you and the person you like that drew you to one another. Some examples are a desire for companionship, to be seen and loved, sharing a mutual attraction, or doing life together. Consider if those commonalities are the force that drew you to one another. Oftentimes, we only see the flaws of that person to those we’ve identified in ourselves and classify it as a trauma bond that drew us together.
Again, we find ourselves looking to "fix that defect” in an effort to attract the right person. If that is not a right of passage I don’t know what is.
I have had clients who have walked through dark seasons of brokenness and trauma who connected with a partner who were God sent and was an integral part of their healing journey. There were parts of them who needed a partner to help heal areas they didn’t know were there as a single person. This is often the case. Iyanla Vanzant said it best, “relationships are places we go to heal.”
So, another reframe I would offer to this experience is, the people we attract are there to teach us something, and to understand the lesson requires the practice of curiosity without judgment. Start with the positive if you can…
After all, social media has made us so hard on one another…
“Extend grace to yourself and those you encounter by honoring that you are spiritual beings having a human experience...”
Remember that everyone is going to come with their stuff and that doesn’t make them unfit for a relationship, maybe just not fit for one with you, which is ok too. Everyone you date is not for you and everyone is not toxic/broken when things don’t work out.
My last offering for a reframe is to see your journey as one that is not meant to be perfect, but as one that is stretching you and teaching you more about yourself and the human experience. You are a divine and unique person regardless if you have “patched up all of your wounds”. When it is time, you will connect with your person.
My point is, is you don’t have to be totally healed or in perfect alignment to experience love and companionship with someone you can build a life with. Trust your process and assess if there are some reframes I’ve shared that will help helpful for you to adopt.
At Eunoia we are here to help you sort through these things and would love to walk with you on that journey. You can book an appointment with one of our clinicians in either Texas or Arkansas today!